F1 2007
So, who goes where for 2007? Based on rumblings going around the sport, I will stick my neck out with the following predictions.
Renault
‘Flavor Flav’ Briatore will stay on as team principal for one more season, before deciding that shagging supermodels and creosoting himself is a much better way of spending his time. Gary Fisichella will be partnered by Jacques Fucking Villeneuve and the team will fail to score a single point all season, ending the careers of Fisichella and Fucking Villeneuve. Renault will consider rebadging themselves ‘Nissan Formula’ for 2008 and beyond to match their on-track aspirations.
McLaren
Ron Dennis will spend most of 2007 realigning his strategical importance and developing governance strategies, whilst Fred Alonso will take pole for his first race with Team Vodafone McLaren Mercedes Bridgestone V6 Johnny Walker SAP Mobil squad. His team-mate will be Gil de Ferran, who will be bought out of his Honda ’sporting director’ contract for £3.99. Lewis Hamilton will take on Gary Paffet in McLaren’s annual ‘Montoya Memorial Pie Eating Contest’, but he will ultimately lose.
Ferrari
Mike Schumacher will announce his retirement at the end of 2006 and take the helm as team boss in 2007. He’ll then hire Keith Raikkonnen as his no. 1 and coax Mike Hakkinen out of retirement as his no. 2, thereby creating a Finnish superteam and a host of ‘Finnish/finish’ marketing campaigns. One Ferrari driver will finish (geddit?) on the podium at every single race.
Toyota
Ranulph Schumacher and James Trulli are retained for 2007, and nobody knows why.
Williams
Alex Vertz and Nick Rozberg will score enough points to secure fourth in the constructors for Williams, who will decide that their current ‘WilliamsF1′ logo is utter, utter shite and have it re-designed by a semi-decent company for 2007. Team Willy will go on to be a roaring success.
Honda
Jason Button and Ruth Barrichello will drive the Honda as hard as they can, but all they’ll get is a few podiums. Nick Fry will be exposed as the spiel-spewing android he truly is, and Matt Bishop will twat him in the teeth. Fry will cry and then explode.
Red Bull
Drivers Crazy Dave Coulthard and Mark Bloody Webber will win two races each, with Red Bull taking the constructor’s title. Adrian Oldey will grow a beard because Derek Mateschitz will ask him to. For sure, beards are just crazy.
BMW Sauber
Super Mario The-ssen will finally shave off that ridiculous moustache and get some proper glasses. Peter Sauber will have almost stopped laughing at the amount of hard cash he got for his team and will sport even bigger cigars. His bald spot will be tested relentlessly in Sauber’s wind tunnel, which incidentally is called “Sheba” after Peter’s dog’s best mate from way back.
Midland F1
Eddie ‘Fackin’ Jordan will buy back his F1 team for the nominal fee of £1. Whilst respraying the tubs back to glorious yellow, he’ll phone Rob Schneider and say “what the fack have ye done to me team y’cunt ya?!? Rhino?!? Who the cunt are they?!? I just signed O2 as my title sponsor, suck on those eggs you brute.” Rob Schneider will go back to selling steel and not being around much.
Toro Rosso
Antonio Banderas will be partnered by Damon Hill in 2007, who is allowed to keep his grey locks and beard via a neat tie-in marketing deal with Just for Men. The campaign will compare the length of time it takes to wash one’s grey out with the length of time one can stare at STR’s garish livery. Gerry Burger will remain as team principal and will hire Jean Alesi as his PR guru.
Elsewhere, David Richards will decide that he’s had enough of that fucking annoying semi-beard and will either fucking shave or grow a proper fucking beard. Oh and he’ll persuade Ron Dennis to let him have two old MP4/3 chassis for the 2008 season.
